I am not sure when exactly it happened, but it's official. I have become my own worst nightmare. Is it the 24 hour schedule and grueling chores? Is the inexactitude of the current economic climate? Is it my own chemical compound of crazy and bitch? I don't know but I do know that while I am laboring away trying to maintain "nice mommy", the bitch slipped out the back door and left.
I remember dreaming of being a mom, pining for this like my fat ass now does for flourless chocolate cake. Man, I dreamed and prayed for these sweet, healthy kiddos. So why the hell are they making me so nuts!?!?!? I have no idea but it could have something to do with the insane pacing with which they arrived one every two years until we now possess three mouthy little cutie-pies with my attitude and their daddy's good looks.
When an old woman- or your own mother- warns you that "Motherhood is a tough job", for pete's sake LISTEN TO THAT BITCH!!!! I am telling you, I am grateful. Recent tragedies prove that you are never grateful enough and you never know when your last day could be so you hold those babies tight. Yeah, yeah, yeah.... I know all this stuff. I feel it. I just can't hold onto it when the five-year-old has burrowed her way into my spot on the bed AGAIN for a potentially fake bad dream and I haven't slept well at all. The baby is demanding food or else, the middle one is crying because lint touched her hair and I still haven't had my damn coffee. And then from the minute they wake up it is go GO GOOOOO!!!!
It is no wonder a good friend of mine vacations alone. I said it. ALONE. The closest thing I have had to a vacation in the last few years is... do trips sans children to the grocery store count?!? I think it could be the tragedy in Boston or the presence of a white hair in my eyebrow or just that time of my cranky mood but I am in need of a margarita and a dance floor!!!!
OK.
I have now blathered on and if you are still reading, maybe you need a margarita. I am now cheersing the screen with my tasteful 6 oz of chardonnay. (clink) Listen, all of the things that people warn you about motherhood... they are true. It is the hardest job ever. You will NEVER be paid. Most times you are so run down and tired you forget to put on deoderant or change the pants covered in baby yogurt. You will laugh one minute and cry the next, sometimes for no good reason. You will love and loathe the children and hate yourself for it all. You may think it isn't your style and that I am crazy. Yes, dear, I did admit that. The one thing I am, is brutally honest. Motherhood is NOT for the faint of heart. You better love your husband a great deal and be "on the same page" or you will HATE this experience. You will need good friends to drag you away and force stupid manicures on hands that will be ruined within hours from baby vomit, dish soap or just your own general clumsiness. You will cry when you see Dove's beauty campaign commercials and become overly sentimental anytime you see a child is lost or killed. You will look at your single or childless or woman-with-less-children-than-you counterpart and think... bitch.
So why WHY WHYYYYY do we keep allowing our uteruses to become peopled? I don't know. My husband is extremely attractive and I can't seem to keep my legs together in the early spring. Whatever your reason is, do yourself and your fellow sisters a favor. Stop judging. Don't look at me when I am scolding my adorable three year old at the park and think, "Oh, I am so much better than that psycho." You aren't. We both know that. Don't be a bad single friend who never offers free babysitting. Having kids makes you poor. And we marrieds need a break.
And mothers,please, stop feeling superior. We are badly dressed, largely unwashed, seriously cranky masses. Quit pretending to be 17 when your skin tells the truth. We are over 30. We are not our young selves. Get comfortable in that stretched out skin, chica. It fits much better. Have a glass of wine- I find it makes the wrinkles blur a bit. :D
Be kind to each other and yourself. And Just keep trying to do better. You are doing a good job already.
Uh, okay. That was a pep talk to myself. Hope you enjoyed.
