Mainly I am left with many unanswered questions. A lot of "what now?" And "what will I do in September?" I know I have plenty of time and all that but I just can't enjoy my summer with my fall in such doubt. Teacher irony right there.
My aunt is a great believer in St Anthony. She swears he always helps her. She's on the case to find a job for me. I have over 100 applications out. I have to wonder if the universe is telling me something. My uncle who passed away not that long ago would tell me I am an idiot for doubting myself. I wish he were here to tell me so.
And then I think about the way many of my students stay in touch. The way they hoped I had learned my fate before school ended; even the way they actually enjoyed MacBeth- well, some days. I find I am actively editing this as I go, remembering and pestering myself mentally to set a good example as a writer even if this is just my blog. After all, I am an English teacher. If not on staff, then in my soul.
The thing is- I always yearned to be a mom. I am. Now I realize how much I absolutely love the torture of being a teacher as well. The frustration of maybe never getting to do that is a physical weight around my brain right now. All decisions are paralyzed as we wait and see...
What more could I have done for my family? What more could I have done for my students? I wake up thinking these two questions so often, it may have to be the epitaph on my headstone.
Praying for some good news....
