M word, thy name is MUD

As I sit down to type this, I am sweating, my head is aching and I have four- count them 4- children in some type of hyperactivity or coma. I realize my free will was exercised when I drove through the lane and chose the glad fare on the board but I chose correctly- Apples instead of fries. HOWEVER, along with said apples (which reek of some type of preservative and are more pickled than  "fresh") is an easily accessed container of caramel dipping sauce. When I say easily accessed I just want to clarify. My two and half year old daughter easily, and very quietly, opened it and proceeded to consume this container in the car in what I must say was 2 SECONDS FLAT!!! Why would this corporation offer a "healthy alternative" like apple dippers? Um, gee.... I am feeling like there is some type of Mommy Conspiracy afoot... lure in the Moms and their kiddos and then sock it to them with the adulterated bleached apples and sugar syrup! My darling toddler was DeLiRiOuS!!! I am monitoring her for a sugar coma as we speak- she was talking crazy, razzing her older cousin and on a mood fun-ride that was not so fun for those watching.
Now, if for some reason you are not laughing along with me (or fine, at me) then you have never been in a mini-van hell like me and should not bother reading further. Otherwise, send me a mini-violin of sympathy through the computer screen right now as I struggle to type this through the haze of a day of craziness capped off by a deceitful meal that. was. NOT. happy.

The whole Mother Load: The Mother's Prayer

The whole Mother Load: The Mother's Prayer: "Motherhood is my comfort, I will not want. It maketh me lie down- sometimes falling asleep instantly only to be awoken a moment later. It le..."

The Mother's Prayer

Motherhood is my comfort, I will not want.
It maketh me lie down- sometimes falling asleep instantly only to be awoken a moment later.
It leadeth me to toilet waters- for cleaning, toilet training, more cleaning, vomiting...
It restoreth my soul- especially when Mommy's had a little beverage...
It leadeth me in the path of other crazy mothers and their children in the sake of playdates and five minutes of peace.

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Mommyville,
I will not fear my children are evil, For other mothers art with me (say Hallelujah sisters!)
Thy naps and thy clearance sales, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table for a family that may or may not eat the food I made.
Thou annointest my head with oil and itchiness (when did I last take a shower?)
And that is why Mommy's cup runneth over (mmm... wine!)

Surely goodness and mercy might find me at some point in my life
and I will be living in a house of peace in about eighteen years.
Amen