"There is no Mommy here"

Today, I have realized that I am EPICALLY FAILING as a Mother. No, really.

5:42am- awake to pee. Check on husband- occupied with Twitter- back away silently. Check on adorable infant... OH GOD!!! The tiny Bear is stirring- ABORT ABORT!!! Back away silently and hope like hell she has not sniffed out my mammaries. Fall asleep to my inner guilty refrain... Bad mommy bad mommy bad mom....zzzzz......

6:12am- forgot to pack husband's lunch! SHIT!!!! Realize this as he gently kisses me goodbye. Half ass slapping of leftovers together and several kids' snacks. He thanks me adoringly... resume inner guilty refrain/mantra... Bad Wifey Bad Wifey... Oh! Coffee!

6:13am- just going to check facebook and email a second....

7:33am- Whuh- oops. Forgot to drink coffee or eat breakfast... Toddler is up. Oh boy.

7:34am- Baby awakes, cooing ever so gently. I go to her room feeling happy- She and I make eye contact and she starts wailing loudly in manner of- MILK MILK MILK- but really she cries and says Boob. She is not even 8 months. Begins crying and squirming in earnest when I attempt to clean her rear of vegetable smelling defecant. After wiping her dry, she pauses and smiles up at me as if to say, "Thanks." Resume loving her and feeling guilty for angry thoughts two seconds ago regarding the option of a third. Bad mommy bad mommy bad mommy...

7:39am- Find Toddler eating my breakfast. What's next? Is my coffee level lower? Please tell me she didn't... Her breath is just muffin so I breathe a sigh of relief. I remind her to please use the potty...

SCREAMING ENSUES- It is an unusual mix of high pitched, loud wailing and whining that makes me wish for a nearby brick wall to abuse my head against....

8:18am- success on potty! Cheering for feces! My life is so strange. Rewards requested. DENIED. Wailing for that many minutes, resorting to screams on both sides (Mommy is ashamed) has now resulted in trip to nearby Mall denied. This behavior cannot be rewarded plus I do not think popping a potty in your stroller is acceptable at a chi-chi mall.

8:25am- NEW PLAN! We have made amends and Mommy is calm. Maybe a park?... Feeding the beasts

8:27am- breakfast finished and children are whining and demanding things. Feeding baby between filling requests and sipping coffee. Have forgotten to eat breakfast. Appetite gone after several meltdowns. Ugh.

9:19am resolved to good day. Had a lovely talk with girls. They are getting ready to leave the house. Yay! Mommy needs toast- Children ungratefully distract Mommy from breakfast...

9:20am- Mommy angrily vacuums after putting children outside to play in backyard. Baby in exersaucer begins to wail when vacuum turns on. This is new but at least I am getting the carpet cleaned.

9:21am- the neighbor girls call. I mutter indelicate thoughts and continue to vacuum though I have been spotted- creepy kid- through our front window. Answer and she is requesting to borrow cooler. Mutter crankily about this being US and coolers being widely available. Hand over cooler with smile.

9:56am- finally leave for park.

9:58am- arrive, wishing we could have walked but needed potty in car for Toddler. Girls playing well. Even make a friend. Going well! Nice Mom begins conversation.

10:13am Ah. Language barrier. Why didn't I learn Portuguese? Damn. Adult conversation ends.

10:32am- large group of children from the nearby Rec Center INVADE playground en masse, followed by very young looking minders. Not really minding children and mistakes my Toddler for a child in her charge. Gets my child seated and ready to paint until snot nosed child next to her points out she is not part of their group. My child gets bumped from painting and we are back to tantrums...

10:45am- everybody finally in the car and Mommy can't go home yet. I JUST CAN'T! Proceed to craft store to get paint to make it all better.

12:00pm- Everyone is glad we have finished in craft store. Managed not to break anything but accidentally bump into four year old and beg her to make it to car before total breakdown.

12:03pm- Two year old announces she wants a new Mommy....

And here is the real EPIC failure. I offer to call her New Mommy and my dramatic four year old is traumatized. My day isn't even half done and already I am DONE.

You politicians and misogynists who claim Stay-at-home-moms don't work have NO CLUE!!!! Is there a high yield Save for Therapy plan at my bank? I am sure my children will need it more than college.